Knowing How to Fall

 One of my friends related that her family would take taekwondo together and the best skill they got out of it was knowing how to fall safely: her dad later fell off their roof and used this skill to save his life.

I begged my family for a month of taekwondo lessons, which I didn't get to continue because I was slacking on schoolwork. I can't say I learned how to fall there.

In life, there are those people who go through disappointments and even heartbreaks and bounce right back up. Or maybe they just seem to...but I think they actually do, in a real way, because they learned how to fall at an early age. But I never did.

What is it like going through life knowing you have to put yourself in a situation where you can get really hurt? And not knowing how to stop yourself getting hurt, over and over again? It's miserable.

I don't get to stay down on the ground forever, even though I don't know how to fall properly. I eventually have to get up and keep going somehow. But it never gets easier, it only gets harder and scarier, and I worry that one day I will just fall and break apart and not be able to get back up.

Don't Be Upset

 "Don't be upset," my mother said to me, her 36-year-old daughter, as I cried in the entryway of her house on Boxing Day. And in those three words, I saw my entire childhood.

I wasn't allowed to be upset, not really. I wasn't encouraged to express my feelings. For a long time, I didn't think I had that many to express--mainly thoughts. Thoughts were ok, opinions, arguments, all those things. So one of the baseline things parents need to do for their children, teach them how to experience and move through emotions, wasn't done for me (or for any of my siblings for that matter).

Isn't that so normal, though? I would never have used the word "emotionally neglected" to describe myself and I'm sure you wouldn't either, even if you have been. Did you learn how to be sad, to be scared, to be angry, to be upset? Can you easily identify these, and more, emotions in your body in your everyday life, and, after identifying them, find healthy ways to move through the experience? Or instead do you repress, numb, distract, avoid, stew in, or spew your emotions?

My mom, at a certain point in life, homeschooled all five of her children at once. An objection to homeschooling is that parents, due to lack of education, may not be qualified to teach all of the subjects that would provide their children with a well-rounded education. In the same way, not all parents are qualified to teach their children about their emotions--because the parents haven't learned how to live emotions themselves. 

And it's not a subject you can send your child to any school to learn either; it has to be you, or probably at least a couple years of professional counseling. Maybe that sounds extreme but this isn't a drill: so many of us haven't passed emotional kindergarten but we're trying to function in the world as adults! On some level we probably know we're not qualified, and that's why so many of us shy away from having children of our own.

Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them." And to you I say, let your inner child come to you, and don't hinder her. Let him express all those feelings he never got to express as a child, because no one was listening. Give her a voice for all the pain she felt, and if she cries, don't ignore her. Healing is for you, as is love. Stay gentle and you will find it.

Reevaluating

I can get quite attached to plans. A plan to me is not only a blueprint but a benchmark, a standard against which I am measured and judged. That said, I'm reevaluating the plans I made earlier in the summer. I'm letting them float away on the breeze. Without an obligation to do drive to the Northeast, I need to figure out what I would actually like to do. That's difficult! So for now, I'm sitting in the sun in some chairs.

Resources

 Here are some resources I am using to take care of my mental health and which I recommend in case they can be helpful to you:

• Counseling - finding someone you like and can trust with your deranged thoughts is great
• The HeartMath Inner Balance gizmo - I don't necessarily use it consistently, but it's nice to have if you can feel yourself becoming un-calm and want to regain equilibrium or "coherence"
• Going on a walk or run - there's no substitute for being outside with the sun shining on you
• The Wheel of Awareness exercise - I actually just heard about this through The Place We Find Ourselves podcast, which I also recommend, so I'm new to the practice but I think it will be helpful in the long run

I've observed that some things are helpful to others which are not helpful to me, and vice versa, so I'm sharing my list as an example and would like to emphasize that you may come up with your own list. And it might have only one item right now, and that's ok!

New State: Michigan

 I've been in Michigan for the past few days, and it seems a pleasant place. People are friendly and say hi to you when you pass them on the path.

The path I found, behind the apartment complex of my Airbnb, looks like Michigan has looked to me: green everywhere and the air full of moisture. I know I'm not doing Michigan justice. Lizzie loves it, and it seems pretty. There are lots of trees that look like this.

Ultimately, Michigan has not made a great mental or emotional impression on me. It has, however, left its mark upon me in the form of the multiple mosquito bites I now have on my feet and ankles.

Sunflowers

 

On Saturday I decided I would like to go see some sunflowers.

A Consecrated Virgin

 On Sunday, I had the great honor and joy to attend my college friend's ceremony to become a consecrated virgin at the Cathedral of St. Andrew in Grand Rapids, MI.

My friend Lizzie is a remarkable person. While we were both studious, intellectual (read: nerdy) undergrads together, I was always struck by her focus and intentness on the things of God. She has long loved the liturgy, and in fact has her Master's degree in liturgical studies. It seems her calling was always to be set apart, to be specifically for Jesus, though it took her a while to discover this specific vocation: consecrated virginity.

I won't pretend to be able to explain consecrated virginity (actually, Lizzie has written a whole article about it for those who are interested), but I'll outline briefly what I know it isn't--an Eastern approach to explaining a mystery. It isn't human marriage: despite her bridal adornments, Liz is now espoused to God Himself. It isn't religious life: she did not take vows, nor will she belong to a religious community; instead, she will live and work in the world, much as before, yet not as before. It isn't temporary: she has now been consecrated and belongs definitively to God and His Church. Finally, it is not new: from what I understand this vocation was a precursor to monastic and religious communities, an expression of the flaming desire of those women in love with God to be His and no one else's.

For her consecration Mass, Lizzie had those of us in the choir sing "E'en So, Lord Jesus, Quickly Come," the refrain to which has been buzzing in my head all week: "Rejoice in heaven, all ye that dwell therein!" This rejoicing, this joy, because Jesus is our true love, our true homeland, and is coming soon--my friend is experiencing the foretaste of this on earth, as He has already claimed her for his own.

City life

Last night I learned something. We took the Chicago Architecture Foundation Center's River Cruise and Architecture Tour, and my main takeaway was that when you build a lot of big buildings, a lot of people will come live and work in them, at least if they are in Chicago. And then you have to keep building them.

After the great Chicago Fire, in defiance of nature and in proclamation of the dominance of capitalism, Chicago started to soar. They had the World's Fair and in a massive case of groupthink people flocked to the city and began to build even more cool, tall buildings. The residents here are rightly proud of them: there was a plan here, and the plan was executed.

Really, who wouldn't want to spend their days stacked in skyscrapers surrounded by other skyscrapers, all jammed into a couple miles of city? It seems ideal. They bring commerce to you, and somehow, you contribute to it. The circle of life.

In fact, architectural endeavors here continue to this day. In recent memory, the Chicago River used to be nasty and gross, but now it's pleasingly gentrified, with industrial buildings converted into condos, riverwalk areas, open spaces, and of course: more residents. They build more vertical housing every year. What could be more beautiful?

Walking back from the Tour along the Riverwalk, we encountered many, many people. They were everywhere. How could we be surprised? That is, after all, the point.

The Fine Art of Doing Less

 My unpopular belief is that many of us, especially and including myself, need to do less. Less is the space of creativity. Less is the space of understanding. More gets you...less. Much less than you think.

Chicago

Some have questioned where I am, and to the questioners, I offer this update: I am in Chicago. I arrived in the night, and it being night, I sought food and not blogging initially. To make it more confusing, despite being in Chicago, last night I parked in Canada.

In the morningtime, I did not go out. I prayed, ate breakfast, and got to work. But Vanessa went out and took this photo.

I've been to Chicago several times so I already know it's beautiful, immense, glassy, and historic. Even a casual glance out of the window behind my work desk confirms the fact.

Nashville

 I'm now in Nashville! Everyone told me prior to my arrival that Nashville would be cool, so how could I find it otherwise? I'm easily suggestible.

Nashville feels homey to me, actually. It's especially comfortable to stay in a beautiful, spacious townhome and look after this charmer.

Another great joy is that my friend Vanessa is staying with me, and we're able to have adventures together! Last night she took me on a drive around Nashville, so I could experience and admire the expected coolness of the town (very similar to Austin at a glance). As we were driving into downtown, she mentioned there was an award-winning Indian restaurant run by a famous Indian chef across the way. I instantly requested to go there, called to get a reservation, and all of a sudden we were eating papadi nachos and curry!

Yum!